Your tears are all the pain I'll ever need
by PJC
Summary: Not as angry or sadist as the titles implies, closer to all the pain he can cope with. Grissom's still hurting Sara, but can he cope with causing her pain anymore. Short story, probably less than 5 chapters.
1. Chapter 1

_OK, slightly odd title, and not sure if this is gonna turn out happy or not yet (so apologies if it doesn't). Inspired by a song (but not a songfic) called "When you're evil" by Voltaire, odd beginning and ending but good middle and all inspired the title which is similar to the line in the song "You're tears are all the pay I ever need" and got me thinking about Grissom if he ever made Sara cry, and this is the result. Me + bored + stressed + homework = some bizarre fics._

* * *

Her tears will all the pain he could ever cope with, all he needed to make him hate himself solidly for the next week and until he saw her smile again. Not that she smiled all that often these days, if Grissom thought about it he would've realised that she hadn't smiled properly for about a month, there hadn't been a single true smile, one relaxed grin, barely even a reluctant one when the team were making fun of Greg, not since he had turned down her latest offer.

Deep down he knew, but couldn't cope with it, he didn't want to think about it, he couldn't think about it. He could barely think about Sara, she had become, in a way, unthinkable. To let his mind rest on her for too long was dangerous, would only lead to awkwardness between them again, if he didn't think about her, he didn't want her, if he didn't want her then he didn't flirt with her and make her believe that they had a chance. He also hadn't grouped himself with her on assignments for that month either.

He sung gratefully into the chair in his office, it had been a hard shift, he could afford 5 minutes rest and then he needed to start the huge mountain of paperwork that had accumulated during just that shift. Just as he breathed out and let all his barriers down now he was safely in his office, he caught sight of Sara walking along the corridor outside his office. Eyes thoughtful, lost in her own world, probably thinking about the results she was clutching in her hand. She turned the corner without looking up, knowing the building well enough by now to know exactly when to turn and in which direction.

Just that simple view of her affected him, he had let his barriers down, alone in his office, thinking he wouldn't be disturbed, he hadn't reasoned on seeing her through the open door.

He sighed and pulled off his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose. So much for not thinking about her, he couldn't do that now. He thought back to a month ago, he had already turned down one offer of dinner because of his operation, not he had turned down what was probably her last offer, he had finally got rid of his last chance, and it was killing him inside. He didn't know that it was killing her as well, he noticed the extra overtime she was pulling, he signed off on it, but it was always the way she coped and after a while it fell back to the normal pattern, this time it hadn't. She had been staying later and later, coming in earlier and earlier, she barely even had time to go home and have a decent sleep, as it was he knew that at best she was only getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night, assuming she actually was sleeping.

She had been looking drawn at work, tired with dark shadows under her eyes, her shoulders had become more and more hunched and her eyes were losing some of their brightness everytime she looked at him.

If he didn't do something soon he would lose her, not just as a colleague in the lab where he needed her professionally, but any faint hope there was left would fly away with her, but he couldn't ask her to stay, he could offer her nothing here, here she would just fade away until she became a ghost and eventually vanished altogether until people didn't realise she was no longer there and vaguely remembered her as 'that girl that used to work here years ago, never really knew her that well, don't know what actually happened to her.'

He sat up suddenly, he couldn't let it happen. He stood up, adrenalin pumping through him and walked to the door and pulled it open before he ran out of courage. He marched towards the break room, hoping that she was there and no-one else was.

He walked in and saw her flicking through a textbook intently with her results at the side of her.

"Sara" he said in a harsher voice than he intended. She looked up at him.

He noticed again the dark circles and almost died inwardly when he saw the tiny hope there had been still burning brightly in her eyes leave, not knowing if it would ever return.

"You need to go home and sleep" he started in a caring way, then suddenly realising he couldn't do it, he couldn't take that step, suddenly resumed playing supervisor. "You lose your edge after 48 hours. Go home" he finished before walking out of the door and hurrying back to his office.

He din't know if she left or not that night, he didn't watch to see if her shadow passed his door, he didn't go check with Judy 10 minutes later if she had signed out.

He sat in his office chair, and let the tears fall.

* * *

_OK, this was going to be a oneshot, but didn't actually bring in what I was planning to, so might carry it on. Let me know if you think it needs carrying on or not._


	2. Chapter 2

_A few of you mentioned this and not sure why I made Grissom cry at the end, think I just wanted to end it and that was what came out. Hadn't meant for Grissom to cry, but o well, carrying on from there anyway._

* * *

Within seconds he was cursing himself for acting like he had, the way he had backed out of finally taking that step, the way he had left without another word or glance and especially the way he had let tears escpae. He hadn't cried since his father had died and even then he had only cried about it once. He roughly wiped away the tears on his face impatiently but still did not leave the office or check with Judy. He just sat there, giving himself a moment to calm down before carrying on with his paperwork.

He simply sat staring at the clock and didn't even realise when an hour had passed of him just staring at the clock and the wall. He swept a hand over his forehead and through his hair before sighing and standing up. He walked towards the door and went onto auto-pilot, switching off the lights, locking the door, walking towards the break room, seeing that as usual no-one was there, heading towards the lockers, walking through the door into them.

He suddenly stopped, returning to himself. He saw Sara sat on the bench in the lockers and saw telling red blotches on her cheeks, a distinct puffiness of her eyes. He watched as she realised he was there, dashed the few tears remaining on her cheeks away and stood up quickly grabbing her jacket.

Grissom opened his mouth, he didn't know what he was going to say, maybe to apologise.

Sara held up a hand quickly, "Don't even bother Grissom, I don't want any more lies" before walking confidently out of the room. Grissom stood there stunned for a moment before grabbing his jacket out of his locker and rushing out of the building in time to see her car pulling away, Sara sat there not seeing him biting her lip, whether to keep herself from crying or coming back and shouting at him he didn't know.

He sighed slightly and continued hurrying towards his car and driving home.

* * *

He lay in his bed, staring at this dark ceiling, there were no lights on but he could still see two images as clear as if they were happening in front of him now.

Sara's eyes losing that last spark of hope and her face with tear-stained cheeks as she had looked at him in the locker room.

He hated himself for causing those tears, Sara's tears were all the pain he could cope with, all the pain he needed to finally make him realise that there was no point side-stepping around the issue or outright avoiding it like he had been doing. Either it was worth it or it wasn't. Either way would lead to hurt, if he took the chance and it collapsed, or if didn't do anything. He wouldn't know though unless he did something about it soon. There was no point waiting for the right moment, or until he was certain it would work. It was now hurting him more not knowing than the possibility of it failing ever could.

He sat up in bed, swung his legs over the edge and rested his head in his hands.

It suddenly seemed clear to him that something had to be done and he was the one who had to do it.

It was what he had been waiting for.

It was time.

* * *

_Ok, this definitely needs another chapter, I really can't predict this story any more, even less than I normally can. I swear it has a life of its own an its not doing what I planned, but nm, might work out anyway, please stick with it and let me know if it improves as it goes on or if this chapter just destroys whatever there was in the first chapter. Or if you have no idea what I just said._

_Maybe I shouldn'r write when I'm this tired 'cos I started the first chapter when I was tired as well._


	3. Chapter 3

_I was desperate to have him drive to her house and get to her front door and then walk away when he was about to knock but wouldn't work with the story but just thought I'd let you all know anyway._

_BTW thinking one chapter left to this story, have it almost sorted in my head. Let me know what you think please, as this is now the penultimate chapter (probably)._

* * *

He pulled his jeans on and a t-shirt never looking at what he was doing or wearing, he barely noticed all these routine movements, walking towards the door, locking it as he left, switching all the lights off, unlocking his car.

He was barely paying attention to the road as he drove, only on auto-pilot, his eyes staring and his mind blank, as though no thoughts were brave enough to cross it for fear he would change his mind yet again.

He arrived at Sara's, climbed out of the car straight away and marched up to her apartment and knocked on the door, his adrenalin beginning to ebb making him brace his arms on either side of the door frame for support.

"Was I the reason you were crying earlier?" he demanded as she opened the door.

"What?" Sara was still in shock from seeing Grissom seeming to pin her inside her own apartment when he had barely spoken to her before.

"When I saw you in the lockers earlier? You'd been crying. Was I the reason?"

"Who else would be the reason?" she replied slightly sadly but defiantly before turning around and walking away, indicating the conversation was over.

But she didn't shut the door, nor did she tell him to leave.

Grissom walked inside nervously and saw her sat staring at him from the couch, arms folded across her body defensively. Grissom sat down on the edge of the chair opposite her carefully and finally seemed to become himself again.

"I don't want to make you cry. I can't stand the pain it causes you Sara." He was met with a stony silence, she wasn't going to open her heart to him for it to be hurt again that easily.

"I'm sorry. I finally realised that it was hurting me more to not be with you than being with you could ever hurt me. It was time to stop hurting you. I'm sorry, I am truly sorry Sara. Please forgive me."

Sara nodded slightly but stayed silent, she was determined not to crack, like everything else with Grissom, opening up again could only lead to pain, besides it was too late.

"Sara, I'm ready to take that chance if you'll still let me."

"Sorry, Griss, but it's a bit late now." she stated simply, neither with sadness, regret, anger or happiness, just like it was a simple statement which made it harder for Grissom to think of any way around it, thought not for lack of trying.

He could only stare back at her, she had told him before by the time he decided it may be too late, but from when she had asked him out a month ago he had assumed there was still a faint chance, that she would wait for a little longer maybe.

Sara suddenly stood up, Grissom following suit. "I may as well tell you now then. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm resigning and my apartment paid for till next week then it will be re-let to somebody else."

"When did all this happen?" it sounded a stupid thing to say even to him but it was the only words he could get out.

"Tonight. I'll self-destruct if I stay here. I can't that to myself anymore."

"I'll ... ermmm ... I'll .. miss you ... Sara." he said slowly before turning away and walking towards the door, Sara still stood forlornly and abandoned in the middle of her living room area.

* * *

As he reached the door he caught sight of something through her bedroom door.

Just a simple thing, a suitcase standing shut up and ready to be moved, by the door ready to be picked up.

It finally sank through to his brain that Sara was leaving, she'd said she was leaving, what did it matter now, he could take a chance bolder than he had ever done before.

He turned around and saw her, he strode up to her, laid a hand on her cheek and gazed into her eyes, seeing shock registering there and something else he didn't dare believe he was seeing in case it was just his hope there.

He made a split-second decision and suddenly pressed his lips hard to hers in an almost bruising way, when she gasped in shock he deepened the kiss with more force than Sara realised he could possess as kissed her properly and forcefully, his hands telling a different story as they gently stroked her cheek, ran through her hair, rested gently on her waist pulling her closer, drew idle patterns under the back of her shirt.

The difference in the two things sending wonderfully fireworks all around her brain.

She grasped the side-collars of his shirt and pulled him with her, never breaking the passionate kiss, towards the bedroom.


	4. Chapter 4

_Final chapter but this has two major ways this can go in my head which will fit no matter what I write, leaning majorly towards one so will probably write the other, but let me know if you don't like it and I might write the other ending in as an alternative and post that one as well, or if you just want it up anyway._

_The End - although we all know that these two's story won't end here_

* * *

Sara awoke to an amazing feeling of contentment followed my a terrific feeling of happiness, both followed and made worse by an awesome loss.

She turned over and saw Grissom laying opposite her and realised just how stupid she'd been.

She was amazed he was even still there in her bed. Probably 'cos he was still asleep, if he'd awoken first she had no doubts he would've crept quietly out gathering his clothes changing near the door so that she couldn't hear and creeping out of the house, he might have locked the door on the way out and posted the keys through the letterbox to keep her safe but she doubted it.

There was no way Gilbert Grissom, the man who put so much faith in the spoken word and sweet poems and quotes, who thought about everything he did and said before he dared to say to word, there was no way that man could approve of his actions the night before, his brash decision, he hadn't thought, he had only gone with physical desire, it probably didn't affect him emotionally in the slightest possible way.

He would regret his actions, say it was a moment of weakness and probably barely mention it again, return to his awkward self but worse than before, they had crossed a few lines before but never like this, the first time he had touched the bottom of her back and been a line they'd crossed, the first time he flirted in return, the first time he complimented her even if it was outright, they were all lines that they'd crossed, and each one Grissom would've calculated, thought about, at least for a second.

He'd crossed a line he couldn't ignore now, though he'd probably try, he couldn't say it was slip of the hand or a slip of the tongue or something she'd misunderstood this time.

She tried to force her mind away from speculations and instead found herself cursing herself for how awkward this would be at work now, her eye fell on the suitcase at the door and only then did she remember that she'd told him she resigned and that she had told her landlord she was moving out and that self-destructing was now the only option if he ignored that night and that she did have to leave, especially if he did wake up and decide to leave.

She turned back to face him again, memorising his peaceful sleeping features to fix a good memory in her mind to think back on as she knew she would, she could never forget what had happened a few hours ago.

The exquisite pleasure he had brought to her, how his hand on he bare skin sent jolts of energy through her whole body and how his kisses left her breathless. She tore her mind away from the memories, she had to rebuild her armour, there was no way she could do that if she was too distracted when he woke up to survive his leaving.

She felt a hand encircle hers and hold it tightly, she looked up and realised while she had been remembering he had woken up and was looking at her.

Her face must have been showing everything she was feeling, she could feel herself close to crying just from the gentle expression on his face.

Grissom gazed at her and as she gazed back he sighed inwardly, the night before had been something he could never forget, something mind-blowing. Her eyes had finally regained there sparkle and she had actually seemed happy, he looked at her now and saw that her eyes were even dimmer than they had been before, that she had reached a level he hadn't thought she could, he thought he had seen her low and realised by comparison she may as well have been dancing during those times.

He looked more clearly at her face.

Before it had been like a book he desperately wanted to read, but in a language he couldn't understand, he had understood the general expression and some of the meanings he had understood, but he now knew he had also totally mistranslated things and probably hurt her in the process when he had thought he was doing her a favour or doing something to stop anything getting worse. Now he could read every word her face was saying, it was shouting out loud and clear what she was thinking at the moment.

For a second when she had looked at him he had feared she had regretted what had happened between them, now he knew that she was worried he might regret it and walk away from her yet again like he had all those times before.

He squeezed her hand gently, trying to reassure her.

He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed it gently, he placed his other hand on her cheek, stroked her cheek bone, brushed a light kiss against her forehead and looked into her eyes.

"Sara, listen to me," she looked up at him again, "I'm not going anywhere" he said slowly and deliberately, emphasising every word.

"I'm not going to run away from this anymore. Not unless you ask me to. I'm staying here, I'm not going to go anywhere and pretend this never happened."

Sara nodded silently not quite believing what she was hearing, he looked at her carefully again.

"Do you believe me?" He asked her seriously.

She looked properly into his eyes for a moment before lowering her gaze again, he could see her thinking and gave her time, after what seemed hours but was only seconds she looked back up at him and cleared her throat slightly.

She opened her mouth and finally replied in an odd voice, "I'll call the landlord this afternoon."


End file.
